Put your big girl panties on

“Everything that you will ever need in life is already inside of you.” My mother told me this when I was twenty year’s old. It took me along time before I was able to grasp the meaning behind these words. I lived my life for a very long time waiting. Waiting for opportunity, waiting for prince charming, waiting for the right time and the right answer. Waiting on anything or anyone will get you absolutely nowhere fast!

If you want something you have to go out and get it. Don’t know how to? Ask, learn, research, investigate,try!
We only get one shot at life. Work it!

Yank them big girl panties up and strut!!

Be Uncomfortable

Next Sunday marks my fourth session of swimming lessons. The thought of it still causes me knots in the deepest pit of my stomach. You would think at this point I would have gotten over my fear of water. About a year and a half ago my Grandmother called me up and said she wanted to learn how to swim. She had just watched a Saturday morning news show about swimming lessons for children in the urban community.

“Hope the lady said the lessons are free for the elderly. I wrote her number down. Call her up and see if you can get me in”.

I dialed the number that she gave me and was told the lessons were in fact NOT FREE. When she quoted the price my eyes bugled from my head. I quickly thanked her and immediately hung up.

Before I could call my Grandmother back to replay the conversation the phone rang. I started to ignore the call but something told me to pick it up.

“Hi, I’m Agnes” she said cheerfully. It was same person from the number I had just dialed.

“You didn’t give me a chance to work out a deal with you. I am about to offer you the deal of the lifetime. I will train you and another person for the price of one and I will give you a 20% discount from the price I quoted you.”

That was in fact a deal but at the time I still couldn’t afford it. I did not know this “Agnes” from a can of paint but I decided to be up front with her.

“I only have half now but I can pay you the balance in two weeks when I get paid”.

“How about this” Agnes replied.

“Bring in half and pay me the balance over the course of the 11 week sessions”.

“You have yourself a deal” I told her.

It is unbelievable to see my evolution. I went from learning how to blow bubbles through my nostrils to swimming on my back and treading deep water. My Grandmother bailed on me after the 5th week because she was missing out on her early morning church services. I completely understood but I continued on. I ended up falling in love with “Agnes” and her entire staff and signed myself up for future lessons.

Although I am proud of my growth, I am always afraid. Every time I climb down into that pool I want to turn around and run.

I am uncomfortable!

I am uncomfortable when I can not feel the pool floor beneath my feet in 12 feet deep water.

I am uncomfortable when my trainers yell at me to look at the floor and continue to stroke when I am performing the free style(also known as <em>front crawl</em>).

I am uncomfortable every time I am told “Chin to shoulder” to help me glide the water efficiently.

Lastly I am comfortable being the biggest adult in size and age, but I do it!

I do it because my determination to succeed surpasses the fear, the doubt and the embarrassment. I do it because I want to learn. Not only do I want to learn, I want to MASTER THAT BITCH!

I want to be able to look fear, doubt and uncertainty in the face and say F U I’M HERE TO STAY!!!!!

For every door of fear I have faced there was a stripe of confidence obtained. You will never grow if you are not willing to be uncomfortable. Badges of courage go hand and hand with being uncomfortable.

You deserve it…

Often times we get caught up in our own mental clutter. We tend to hold on to the negative meanwhile the positive  goes in one ear and comes directly out the other. So much mess and confusion can cause us to stand in our own way, block our own blessings, speak our own doom into existence.

I am learning how to change my thought process.
I am learning  how to release things that are harmful or no longer needed.
I am learning how to say, “I deserve it”.

Go get it!

You earned it!

Your blessings are rightfully yours!

Namaste

Ten reasons why losing your sh*t will make your life come together.

This article from Elite Daily written by

Aleksandra Slijepcevic was well worth the re-post.  Perfect reminder  that is okay to not be OKAY.  Please read if you are going through some kind of struggle or if you have been there and need a reminder of the importance of the storm.   ENJOY!

10. Your breaking point is your solo journey. No outside feedback allowed.
What happens to you when you break down is your own journey, and if part of that journey is hung up on what other people think and advise, you need to walk away immediately and shut the door.

Our entire lives are based on outside feedback and contributions that were never truly welcome in the first place. Why let someone else’s opinions dictate your life, especially now?

When you feel like you’ve reached a breaking point, something beautiful happens: You begin to listen to yourself, your own truth and your own suffering — that’s where healing begins.

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<h2>9. Giving yourself time first is never a selfish act.</h2>
Losing your sh*t forces you to detach from things and people who no longer serve you. Disconnecting becomes that much easier because you’re finally thinking about yourself, and you don’t feel one bit selfish.

Hold on to that feeling. Taking care of yourself, for the first time in a long time, is the best thing you can give yourself. Don’t apologize for it.

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<h2>8. Don’t cover up your sadness with an even sadder version of happiness.</h2>
Throw optimism out. If you feel like sh*t, admit it. Don’t walk around on eggshells. What are you protecting yourself from?

Yes, sometimes everything sucks. To try and justify that with a lame excuse or cover it up and remain positive is to push that restless feeling even further down. Sit with it. Let it sink in, and understand it’s all happening for a reason.

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<h2>7. Don’t apologize.</h2>
You’re not broken; you’re simply out of order. Don’t apologize for that.

We’re not machines that keep going no matter what. We have feelings, emotions, problems and thoughts that sometimes spiral out of control. We need time to reevaluate, rethink and regroup. We need time to heal.

There will always be people in your life who expect you to keep moving forward, even when the thought of doing so depresses the hell out of you.

Don’t apologize to them for not living up to their expectations. Take the time you need to figure out if those expectations have any room in your life (they most likely won’t).

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<h2>6. Remain where you are. There is no due date.</h2>
You can go through the motions, but if you’ve reached the point where all you want to do is snuggle up with your dog and cry, then do that! Don’t feel like you have to rush back to this super-important life and live. You are living!

Losing your sh*t is living, and while it might not be fun, it’s damn important. We think if we’re not working, studying, driving or vacationing, we’re not living. Doing nothing is a part of life.

Hitting rock bottom is that cruel part of life that teaches you that all of the working and driving and “living” is nothing compared to what you need to do with your life in this present moment. Just be.

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<h2>5. Let it out.</h2>
Cuss, yell, cry, journal, talk to yourself. When you break down, your heart is full of emotion. Your mind, on the other hand, is full of words. Those words are like anchors that weigh you down to the bottomless pits of crap.

There is no reason in the world why you should hold on to them. When you verbally speak your problems, your body releases tension like you’ve never felt before. It can be incredibly difficult to speak your truth.

There are thoughts in your head you’ve hidden from yourself for years. Confronting them won’t be easy, but speaking them out loud will release you from the prison you think you’re in. It turns out, you’ve had the key to that prison all along.

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<h2>4. Stop thinking in future time.</h2>
There is no better way to make yourself feel even sh*ttier than to try and figure out your future steps. Don’t crowd your mind. What will happen in the future will happen, no matter how hard you try to control it.

When you push yourself to the next step, next goal and next future event, you take yourself out of the present moment. After all, at the end of the day, all you have left is the present.

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<h2>3. Feel what it feels like to be vulnerable.</h2>
From personal experience, feeling vulnerable can be extremely scary. That’s the point. When you’ve hit your low, the layers of pretending start to fall away.

You’re no longer the strong, independent, logical person you once were. You’re now an emotionally-overwhelmed puddle of tears who has no strength or desire to please anyone else but yourself.

Being vulnerable means being open, honest and exposed. It means not holding on to any preconceived notion of what you think you should be and, most importantly, not giving a flying f*ck about what anyone else thinks of you.

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<h2>2. Believe that even this happens for a beautiful reason.</h2>
Nothing is accidental. When you think you’ve lost everything you’ve known, you somehow gain something you never knew you needed.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in concerns and worries, but to have faith in the bigger picture means you’re willing to surrender your sorrows because you’ve done the best you can.

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<h2>1. Find beauty in the breakdown.</h2>
It’s there. It always is. It’s not about replacing sadness with happiness. It’s about acknowledging and welcoming the sadness because you’re human and it’s f*cking okay to not be okay sometimes.

Losing control and falling apart can be a true blessing when you realize we’re not meant to control or stay intact forever. Sometimes, falling apart helps you put the pieces back together in a different order and find peace you didn’t see before.

How did you fall in love?

Every book lover has that one book that made you fall in love. Mine were the Little Miss and Mr book series. I absolutely loved these books as a child. The first time I picked one up I was hooked! I have been looking for the collection for years. Scrolling through Groupon yesterday I found the entire set on sale, my heart leaped!

Looking forward to the peaceful nostalgia as I re-visit my favorite little friends.

How did you fall in love?

What’s the rush?

I spent my teenage years rushing to become a adult. I couldn’t wait to vote, couldn’t wait to be able to “legally” drink. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t the shit when my voters registration card was mailed to me. I was grown! Two or three years on down the line I was whipping my drivers license out proudly whenever I was carded.

My twenties was a blur of trying to figure everything out. I was arrogantly ignorant; the perfect oxymoron. At 22 I had a child and hadn’t even mastered how to keep my panty liners lined up correctly.
By 24 I was a Mommy and a Officer. Responsibility, Responsibility and MORE RESPONSIBILITY. I spent years juggling 8 to 16 hour shifts, trying to figure out who the hell I was and trying to teach another human being whom they should be. I spent a lot (too much) of my time looking for love. I wanted someone to be there for me. I wanted a husband. I remember telling a good friend of mine that I couldn’t wait to be a wife. She had been a friend of mine since High School she knew me, probably a lot better than I knew myself.

“Hope you’re not ready to be a wife”, she told me while laughing.

Who the fuck was she?
The nerve of this bitch to tell me what I am not ready for!
I was heated, but I kept my thoughts to myself because deep inside a part of me knew she was right. I didn’t know exactly why she was right but I knew her words had merit.

Years go by… I go in and out of relationships, my son gets older, work get a little bit easier. I’m still just as confused but at this point I’m honest and bold enough to admit it. I would look myself in the mirror every night before I went to work (when ever I did go to work) and wonder Who am I?

Is this what life is about? There has to be something bigger than this. Things will be different when I’m married (I didn’t even have a man) still holding on to that white picket fence and prince charming dream.

Couple more years go by… My body is beat up, spirit is diminished, heart on E. Now I wear a mask. My mask is my protection. I wear it when I go to work, I wear it when I go on dates, I even wear it when I’m tired and I have to show up for open school night.
Why didn’t anyone warn me wearing that FAKE mask only stopped me from discovering the true me?

At this point I was dating and dealing with guys that were no good for me. My gut would warn me but my heart had it’s own agenda. I know he’s lying, I know when he say’s that he loves me that it’s not the truth. I know that there are other women because the rumbling in my gut which kept me up all night told me so. Yet still I stayed, endured, sold myself out until finally the day came when I said fuck it!

This is the period in my life when I discovered that I had always had wings! I discovered that my beauty. It came from my strength, from my mistakes, from my tears. Vulnerability made me powerful!
Finally it was ok to say, “I don’t know what the fuck I am doing”.

Fuck It

I spent my teenage years rushing to become a adult. I couldn’t wait to vote, couldn’t wait to be able to “legally” drink. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t the shit when my voters registration card finally came in the mail. I was grown! I thought I was doing something when I pulled my drivers license out in a club and was able to drink.

My twenties were a blur of trying to figure everything out. I was arrogantly ignorant; the perfect oxymoron. At 22 I had a child yet I hadn’t even mastered how to keep my pantie liners straightened correctly. Didn’t know my ass from my elbows!
By 24 I was a Mommy and a Officer. Responsibility, Responsibility and MORE RESPONSIBILITY. I spent years juggling 8 to 16 hour shifts, trying to figure out who the hell I was and trying to teach another human being who they should aspire to be. I spent a lot (too much) of my time looking for love. I wanted someone to be there for me. I wanted a husband. I remember telling a good friend of mine that I couldn’t wait to become a wife. She had been a friend of mine since High School she knew me, probably a lot better than I knew myself.

“Hope you’re not ready to be a wife”, she told me while laughing.

Who the fuck was she?
The nerve of this bitch to tell me what I am not ready for!
I was heated, but I kept my thoughts to myself because deep down inside a part of me knew she was right. I didn’t know exactly why she was right but I knew her words had merit.

Years go by… I’m in and out of relationships, my son gets older, work get a little bit easier. I’m still just as confused but at this point I’m honest and bold enough to admit it.
I would look myself in the mirror every night before I went to work (when ever I did go to work) and wonder when all of this shuffling around would make some sense. Is this what life is about? There has to be something bigger than this. Things will be different when I’m married (I didn’t even have a man)but I was still holding on to that white picket fence and prince charming dream.

Couple more years go by… My body is beat up, spirit is diminished, heart on E. Now I wear a mask. My mask is my protection. I wear it when I go to work, I wear it when I go on dates, I even wear it when I’m tired and I have to show up for open school night.
Why didn’t anyone warn me wearing that FAKE mask only stopped me from discovering the true me?

At this point I was dating and dealing with guys that were no good for me. My gut would warn me but my heart had it’s own agenda. I know he’s lying, I know when he say’s that he loves me that it’s not the truth. I know that there are other women because the knots in my stomach which keep me up all night tell me so. Yet still I stayed, endured, sold myself out until finally the day came when I could endure no more.

This is the period in my life when I discovered that I had always had wings! I discovered my true beauty; It came from my strength,from my mistakes,my tears.
Vulnerability made me powerful!
Finally it was Okay to admit, “I don’t know what the fuck I am doing”.

Here’s where the fun starts. When you reach the point of life where you are at “Fuck it”, a part of you becomes free. You start to do things for YOU now. You go against the grain, go against what every one else thinks you should be doing. Hell you even go against the things you told yourself you should never think or do. I started to dig deep inside of myself. Started asking myself the important questions.

What do I like to do? What will make me happy? What do I want out of life? What is my purpose? Started turning down those dates and spending time in bed curled up reading “How to books”. Found a therapist, found a church, discovered some more of ME!

Just when I about to burn my bras and light up the night and truly become free HE walks into the door.

LOVE had found me.
Love found me when I my knees were bad, when I could barely walk. Love found me when I truly embraced loving myself. HE had done what most were afraid to do, he allowed me to simply be me. When I am at my worst, when I am in my feelings and in complete bitch mode he gives me my space but lovingly stands firm and will correct me.

I am often asked, “When is the wedding?” The thought of marriage for me at this point terrifies me. I still am on a this journey of finding me. I LIKE THIS JOURNEY!
I think a true union of love and marriage is a beautiful thing when the timing is right. I love to see LOVE. I love going to weddings. I’m just at a point in life where I am far from ready to have one of my own.

It feels amazing to have someone by your side that loves and supports but my greatest joy has come from self-discovery.

So do me a favor, please stop rushing me. Allow me to burn a few bras and cross a couple of oceans. Allow me to relish in the freedom of saying “Fuck it”.
Allow me to relish in me.

Suck em In…

“Always grab the reader by the throat in the first paragraph, send your thumbs into his windpipe in the second,and hold them against the wall until the tagline.” -Paul O’Neil

I can remember as a child shoving books down my pants and sneaking them underneath the dinner table to read. My would shout for me to leave those books in your room until you are done eating. Most of the time I would listen but when I was fully engrossed I could notpue book down for a second. Reading was my way of escaping to

Turn on your light..

I searched for peace and contentment for a very long time.
Thought I would find it in material possessions.
Looked for contentment from men,  didn’t find it there either.

When I reached my rock bottom my light began to shine.  When my back was completely up against the wall with no place to run, no place to divert or hide..I discovered the true me.

Everything that you will ever need is already inside.  The difficult part is facing all of the mess.  Going through the mess helps you find your masterpiece.

#ShineOn#

Fat and STILL FREE…pardon me!

A couple of years back my dating life was very active. I met a bunch of guys, good and bad. The good ones became life long friends, the bad ones got the curb. Any way I went on a date with this one guy. He took me to a diner in the Bronx a couple of blocks away from the Ihop on 232nd and Broadway (I won’t say the name). Sitting through the date forcing smiles and trying to be polite, half listening to his life story, he asks If I felt a honest connection. I hesitated at first because It’s always awkward to answer this kind of question.

I decided to be candid with him.

“I don’t really feel a connection, I think you are a nice guy but I don’t feel any sparks. Sorry If I wasted your time. Let me take care of the bill”. He smirked and replied to me, “I’m a gentleman, don’t worry about the tab. I got it. If you are ready to go, we can leave.” The ride home was quiet. We pull up, I sincerely thank him again and attempt to get out of the car. He asks me can we talk for a moment, reluctantly I agree.

“You know you should really be lucky that a guy like me wants to date a chick like you. Fat girls don’t get taken out on on dates, especially in the day time. I made the exception for you because you were cute and you have your shit together. Fat girls don’t get married or wifed. Men use fat girls for sex and good credit. I’m one of the few who actually accepts women like you”.

EYES LIKE SAUCERS.. WOWWWWWWW!!!

(Things moving in slow motion, vision becoming red as he continues).

“Yeah, I mean you are cute and all but you are not all that. I’m ready to settle down with one woman. I thought you would be that one. Maybe you should re think your decision. I’ll give you a call in the morning, give you a chance to think it over”.

Finally my mouth caught up to my thoughts…

“You have got to be out of your mother fucking mind. Last week alone I had three dates with three different guys and they all looked, dressed (sniffed) and smelled better than you. Suck my entire ass and do not contact me again. THAT’S MY FINAL ANSWER ASSHOLE”.

Needless to say I never spoke to that jerk again, but his words sunk deep. Is this what all men thought about big girls? I talked to a couple of my closest males friends about this and they assured me that all men did not think this way, but they were honest about something else. “Big girls can be gullible and easy sometimes. They need a lot of validation which makes them easy prey.”

This fucked me up even more.

Fuck their classism!!!

I’m going to do everything society says I CANT or shouldn’t do.

Fat girls shouldn’t wear leggings, mini skirts, fish nets, bright colors. I ran out and brought them in EVERY color.
Fat girls should be embarrassed of their bodies. Guess who happily strolled down a nude beach during the day?
For years I was rebellious and angry. It took me a lot of time and stillness before I realized the word FAT did not and would never completely describe all of me. I was much bigger and better than just FAT.

FAT is a word, it does not determine your worth or your value in life. You determine these things. I’ve always gotten compliments from women and men of all sizes who commend me on how I dress.

“Your mouth is off the hook, you aren’t afraid of anything,” they tell me.

The truth is, I’m not doing anything special. I speak how I feel because If I didn’t I would get walked and trampled over. Of course I am afraid but the passion inside is tremendous, it over takes me. Your clothes, your weight, these things do not elucidate you. I am no different from any other plus size woman. I just chose not to allow what anyone else thinks stop me. I learned to own that self worth comes from Self.

Fat and STILL FREE.. Pardon me.

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The Truth About Finding Love …

There are thousands upon thousands of articles on how to find “The One”. Books, group discussions, dating websites, love coaches, etc, etc. Everyone has their own recipe on how, where and when you will find your soul mate. Me being the hopeless romantic that I am, lets just say I probably have read or tried about all of them. I believed for a very long time that I would never find that person because I never had my shit together. Something with me was always off. The books and articles told me I needed to be “On Point” in order to find a man. I have never been on point. My life has always been a little off. I tried to get things in order but I was never able to pull it together. I kept telling myself that when I finally had everything lined up perfectly..He would come.

Little did I know, it doesn’t work that way. When someone loves you. They accept you completely, shattered mess of a life and all. There is no perfect timing, the stars will never line up perfectly, you might not ever truly GET IT TOGETHER. I remember having a conversation with a good male friend of mine. We were up on the phone in the wee hours of the morning. He was up with me, listening to me cry as I went through disappointing heart break. I asked him what I could do or say to help me find the right man. He gave me the best advice ever in two words, “Be yourself”.

There is no antidote, there is no perfect time, none of us will ever be impeccable. When the love is real that person will rise up embrace and except all of your imperfections. He will stay when you are frustrated and cant seem to explain to him why. He will kiss you on the forehead when you roll over in the middle of the night and your breath smells the pits of hell. He will stay even when you attempt to chase him away because you have gotten so use to all the others giving up on you.

Love is the highest form of understanding. The person who loves you will want all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly. There is no “Recipe, no secret serum, no antidote”.

To find true love the only thing you will ever have to do is be you…

Turn on your light..

I searched for peace and contentment for a very long time.
Thought I would find it in material possessions.
Looked for contentment from men,  didn’t find it there either.

When I reached my rock bottom my light began to shine.  When my back was completely up against the wall with no place to run, no place to divert or hide..I discovered the true me.

Everything that you will ever need is already inside.  The difficult part is facing all of the mess.  Going through the mess helps you find your masterpiece.