I can recall once someone saying to me “You have very troubled spirit, it’s restless”. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed because her words were all truth. So I put on a mask and hid. I hid until it overwhelmed me and then I faced it.
It was ugly it was nasty. I hated it, so I ran again. There were so many times when I wanted to give up. So many times I felt stupid for some of the choices that I had made in life. So many times that I was TOLD I was stupid for the choices that I made in my life. So many times that I had no concept of self worth or self love. I was just here, not really living, just existing.
If I did not have a kid I probably would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. I knew if I left him he would probably hate me for taking the easy way out. Not to mention it has been drilled in my head since a early age that suicide meant you would perish in hell.
So I did what most black folks normally find taboo, I found a therapist. Therapy saved my life. Deep and honest Prayer saved my life! Writing has saved my life! I still have my dark and dreary moments but writing and prayer has helped me. I am not some overly religious lunatic who points the finger yet rejects their own issues. I am not someone who knows it all. I was just honest enough to admit that I need some help IMMEDIATELY so I went out and found some.
The death of Robin Williams hits close to home for me. I admired him greatly and at 63 years old he was still a work in progress, as we all are. The dark days will come and go I must continue to share my feelings, continue to face my demons because facing them saves me. Sharing them will save someone else.
Reach out to someone if you need help, find someone to walk you back off the edge. It is impossible to do it alone..